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Day 119: More exists out of our control than in it

Updated: Dec 27, 2021


One week ago, Princess Grace and I started looking at space, almost on a whim.  I don’t think either of us were expecting to find the perfect starter space two days later…or to sign a lease a week later, but here we are.  

We are the proud new occupants of a 125 square foot office space…so now we need to get busy planning the business.

Granted these things are happening a bit out of order, but I should know as well as anyone that more exists out of our control than in it.  

So we’ve decided to spend the first month or so as an investment.  To use this time to write a business plan…talk to the SBA…meet with an accountant…set up the company structure…create a logo and marketing materials.  You know, all those things that are usually finished or at least well started before signing a lease.  Oh well….here we go…so far this has been way easier than expected.

What hasn’t been easier than expected is bringing a new puppy home.  Don’t get me wrong, I love Sheba.  She’s sweet…adorable…fun…and a complete handful.  I’d forgotten how much time and effort puppies take — haven’t had one in 20 years.

But I wouldn’t trade her for the peace and quiet…ability to come and go as I need…freedom from constantly monitoring her to make sure she doesn’t piss and shit all over the house or herself.  I wouldn’t trade her to get any of those things back, but I would be lying if I didn’t admit that I miss the ease of my life prior.

I’m constantly saying “no”, “stop”, “don’t”, “come”, “do you have to potty?”, “leave Puzzle alone”, “stay away from the tuna” to the point that I’m tired of hearing it myself.  I can only imagine how the puppy feels.

Pile on to that, the fact that I feel incredibly guilty for bringing her home the day before we had to leave for the weekend day and I feel anything but normal.  All that bad energy I’d worked so hard to release is sitting right on top of my shoulders.  

All the fear of being abandoned…not loved…is sitting right in the center of my heart again because that’s what I did to Sheba.  I brought her home and dumped her with Uncle Josh so I could carry on with life as it’d been before she entered it.

I know she’s just a dog…and I’m sure she’s forgiven me (heck, I’m sure she loved her time with Uncle Josh and didn’t notice I was gone) but I’m struggling to forgive myself.  Truth be told, it’s a deep seated fear I’ve carried any time I’ve considered having children.  Will I leave my child feeling abandoned in some way?  Will I continue a cycle of fear?  Will I be able to make someone else a priority?  

It may sound like I’m over-reacting…I get that.  But the emotions are real.  The fear is real.  And the feeling of being alone in it is very real.  I know I’m back in this place dealing with abandonment again for a reason.  

Clearly I’ve worked through a large chuck of it but there’s still some left to release.  I know this…but frankly I’m tired of it too.  I’m tired of being so sensitive to what someone says or doesn’t say…to their actions…to the feelings of needing to be perfect that I’m spent.

I’ve made some major life decisions…life changes…in the past couple of weeks and I feel so caught up in the momentum that I’m not sure what to do with myself.  

I guess I just have to try to let go…to let go of the fear…the worry…the anxiety…the perfection…and trust that more exists out of my control than in it for a reason.  That I wouldn’t be here…right now…if I wasn’t supposed to be.  So whether things go easy or are difficult, there are experiences to appreciate and lessons to learn…and both are blessings.

So time to start working on developing the new business and continuing to train the puppy…and myself.


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