top of page

Day 135: Betraying myself

Updated: Dec 29, 2021


So this whole fear of betrayal thing is fascinating.  And here’s why…

I don’t fashion myself to be a jealous person.  I’ve always taken the position that if someone isn’t happy enough with me to not cheat, well…then…they should go be with someone else.  I try to keep it that simple.  

Don’t get me wrong, it still hurts…but at that point it’s not about something I did or didn’t do, it’s about the other person…their behavior…and something I can’t change.

I don’t get bent out of shape when the person I’m with is able to appreciate the beauty in other people…in fact, I appreciate being able to talk honestly about such things.  Now, watching the man I’m with ogle other women and then attempt to lie about it is different…and frowned upon.  That crosses over into creepy.

As I think about it, I don’t think my fear of betrayal involves physical betrayals…carnal knowledge.  My real fear seems to center around emotional betrayal.

I’m not giving anyone free reign to cheat but I know the difference between sex and love….and it’s not the sex part that I get hung up on.  It’s all the emotions that stem from and blossom as a result of love.

Betrayal to me includes holding your tongue when something needs to be said…having a change of heart but being too afraid to bring it up…saying one thing but doing another (on a deep level, not superficial shit)…dreaming about the future when you have no intentions of ever even trying to act upon them…never addressing when dreams change…discounting my hopes and dreams because yours seem more important to you…purposely dismissing my feelings…saying “I love you” when you don’t…saying words that you think I want to hear…not valuing my feelings…

Don’t get me wrong, I’m no saint…far from it…and I’ve committed several of these betrayals and others.  Maybe that’s how I know which ones cause me the most angst…because I’ve been on both the giving and receiving end.  

I’m notorious for doing something to someone out of sheer panic that they are about to do it to me.  And yes, I know how very wrong that is.  It’s not a behavior I’m proud of…nor excuse.  Admitting to acting from a place of fear is never an excuse for bad behavior but it is the only way I know to expose it, move past it, and hopefully never do it again.

I think that’s why I’ve admitted to cheating so openly in this blog.  I’m not condoning my behavior or trying to sweep it under the rug.  I’m putting it out…exposing my sin, so to speak…in hopes that I rid myself of the shame and guilt I carry over it and free myself of the fear that drove the behavior to begin with…so I’ll never do it to someone else again.  

No different than openly discussing my fear of betrayal.  

Maybe, somehow through writing about it, I’ll find a way to begin to move past it.  To release the energy that surrounds it…that clouds my perception of other people’s actions…that keeps me trapped behind a small wall that I’m ready to hide behind at a moment’s notice.

Opening your heart to someone feels amazing, but keeping a little part tucked away in anticipation of a betrayal feels like…well, a betrayal.  This one little action…this response in anticipation of something that has yet to happen…results in me betraying nearly everyone in my life…but most importantly, betraying myself.  

And so continues the cycle of energetically attracting…and doing…that which we fear most.  Some days feel like a downward spiral…till I look up and realize how far I’ve actually come.


bottom of page