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Day 245: Living for me

Updated: Jan 6, 2022


There are things I need to do for work…things that involve carving out some time and sitting in front of my computer…possibly with a phone in my hand.  And I don’t want to do any of them.  

I realized today that the thought of sitting at a desk…behind a computer…like I used to…is like putting a plastic bag over my head and taking slow, deep breaths.  It’s agonizing from the moment the thought enters my head.

When I try and visualize myself in a “work” setting, it’s very non-traditional.  I’m usually moving around either in yoga-esk clothes or in loose fitting flowing clothes…sometimes something hip and cute…but I’m never in corporate work attire.  

When I visualize myself learning new things, it’s never in a typical classroom-like setting.  It’s usually with a book, doing self study…or outside…or something slightly unstructured.

So I have these clear distinctions between what my life has been and where I feel it’s going…yet here I sit.  Stuck…grounded in my current existence.  

I told Princess Grace that I’m angry.  That I feel this tug to move…do something…learn something.  And there’s nothing stopping me from doing anything…literally anything!  Yet here I sit with this feeling of being held back…and I’m seemingly the one holding myself back.  Or am I?

Maybe what I’m experiencing is an energetic battle between the old type-A-driver-always-going-because-there-was-someplace-I-had-to-be-and-something-I-had-to-be-doing-person I used to be versus the person I’m trying to become.

This new person moves slower…purposefully…because she can.  She doesn’t have to rush, so she doesn’t.  She doesn’t necessarily know exactly where she’s headed and she’s ok with that because she trusts she’s heading in the right direction.  That person is ok sitting quietly…reflecting…taking it all in.  And that person couldn’t be more opposite in every way from how I’ve lived most of my life.

As I sit in this all too familiar seat of readying myself for an upcoming wedding, I can’t help but notice the stark difference between the pace of my life today and the pace at each prior wedding.  In both previous situations I was slammed with work.  Completely distracted from what I was preparing to do.  Cut off from my emotions.  Engrossed in my work.  That was then.

Now, I have little else to focus on.  Sure I have some distractions…still trying to get nesha off the ground…signed a new lease for the wellness center…reading…studying yoga, Reiki, and coaching…seeing an occasional client and subbing a periodic yoga class.  Despite all those things, it’s nothing like what I used to take on and none of it is so urgent that I can’t find time to just sit…be…rest.

Perhaps that’s the issue.  I’m in a familiar place but the energy couldn’t be more unfamiliar.  There’s nothing that I have to run to…or from.  Energetically, I’m stuck….sitting here…being present in the moment.  But stuck doesn’t have to be a bad thing…

I think I’ve just decided…like…to resign myself to the fact that for the next 5 weeks I’m going to prioritize distractions purposefully.  I’m going to minimize the noise.  I’m going to limit the interruptions to only those things that absolutely must be handled now.

For the next 5 weeks, I’m going to focus on myself…Mr. Universe….getting us ready for this magnificent adventure.  I’m going to eat right…exercise…be healthy in body, mind, and spirit.  I’m going to put myself…this moment…first. And I’m not going to feel bad about it.  I’m going to trust that this is what I should be doing.  I’m going to trust that my businesses will flourish afterward because I’m energetic nourishing myself now.

No more unnecessary fretting.  I’m retired for pete’s sake!  I started these other businesses because I want to give back…because I want to use my talents and develop new ones.  But that doesn’t mean my main priority of taking care of myself should be any less important.  If anything, it’s even more important for me to focus on myself now.  So I can lead by example.  So I can live this second half of my life very differently than the first half…so I can live it for me.


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