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Day 250: Externally self-motivated

Updated: Jan 8, 2022


I’ve been quietly beating myself up a lot lately.  I realized this after I confessed to being bored.  For weeks I’ve felt this stirring to be more productive…a need for outside stimulation…and I’ve been pushing it away because I didn’t want to admit to myself that it’s time for a change.  I didn’t want to admit to myself that I  can’t sit at home all day…that evolving and growing isn’t about constant reflection.  I didn’t want to admit that I’ve yet again…changed.


I’ve also been beating myself up over what I’ve been eating.  For years…yes, years…I’ve been closely monitoring my food intake.  Mindful of how much sugar…how many carbs…how much wheat…  I finally gave in and stopped.  I let myself enjoy desserts…sandwiches…FRENCH TOAST!  

I did all of this at the expense of fitting into a wedding dress that a dear friend reminded me looked like a previous dress.  Maybe I sabotaged myself on purpose after that seed was planted.  Who wants to get married in a dress even remotely similar to anything they wore to a failed marriage?!?  Um, not me!

Because of my food indulgences, I told myself I should use this time off to work out twice as hard.  I mean, I have the free time…I should be at the gym more. Doing more yoga.  Working harder and longer.  Yah, that didn’t happen either. It got cold outside and I stayed inside.

The ultimate low blow was when a friend asked another friend if I was pregnant.  Now, I may have put on a few pounds, but c’mon…preggers!?!?  It didn’t matter why the question was posed.  All I could hear in my head was “You’re getting fat.  So fat, in fact, the people close to you think you’re pregnant.”  And then all the self loathing kicked in.  Reflection on the years of hard work and good eating thrown out the window.  And for what?  To enjoy some french toast?!?


I’ve had it with all the negative self talk.  I’m not going to the gym because I’m spending too much time on the Internet looking at clothes to buy because I don’t feel good about myself.  Cue that old habit of shopping to feel better.

We all get stuck in these loops sometimes.  Where something triggers us and that old program kicks off.  Where we fall into old habits and coping mechanisms that don’t actually make anything better.  And while we all have these loops…triggers…programs…habits…coping mechanisms, we also have the power to step back…observe…listen…and flip the script.  Just as well as we know the things that don’t work for us, we know…or can learn…the things that do.

I’m externally self-motivated.  Meaning, I have the power to commitment to something…but only when I’ve thrown it on the table…when I’ve made a public statement…when someone else is watching and holding me accountable. That’s when I do my best to rise up and achieve a goal.  

Knowing that and knowing that I’m tired of beating myself up, I’m going to make some public commitments:

  1. I’m eating Paleo (90/10) for the next 30 days.

  2. I’m limiting my alcohol intake to two days a week and it needs to be Paleo friendly.

  3. I’m going to work out 6 days per week.

  4. I’m going to eat out no more than twice per week for the next 30 days and it too will be Paleo friendly.

  5. If following the above commitments means Mr. Universe has to fix his own meal or go out without me, I’m going to be ok with that.

So, for the next 30 days, I’m going to share my progress.  What I ate the day before…and where…if and what I drank…whether I worked out.  It’s 30 days.  I know from experience I can do Paleo for 30 days…and this time I’m allowed a small cheat.  Bonus!

Oh, and I’m not going to worry about fitting into that wedding dress.  I’ve decided to sell it and get something that doesn’t look like something I’ve worn before.  This relationship is totally different than any other relationship I’ve ever been in and it deserves a unique and special dress.

Wish me luck…on everything!

PS:  There’s part of me that wants to delete this post and write something else…which tells me that posting it is exactly what I need to do.  🙂


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