I looked at him and thought for a minute, then replied with “I’m not guarded. I’m cautious. I just don’t really know you all that well yet.” For some reason in my head that sounded better than “guarded”. But was it?
He went on to explain why he had used that word and it made sense.
One day I seemed excited to see him and hang out. The next day I was playing it cool by declining an invite. Ok, valid…I get how it might look like some gamesmanship being played. Again, I questioned my own motives…was there something deeper at play?
It was actually the day before Mr. Universe (Day 52) and I ended up going out that I thought to myself, “I like my life.” For the first time, I was completely happy by myself…on my own…alone, but not lonely. I was looking forward to spending the summer with the Witches, especially Princess Grace since she was about to be off for the summer. I saw days filled with yoga, paddle boarding, sunbathing, bike rides, spiritual growth, and laughter. Lots of laughter!
I had envisioned a reality for myself that I was perfectly happy with. Just me and my friends frolicking our way through the summer. A man…an eligible bachelor…would threaten to mess up the reality I had created. Or would he?
Without realizing it, I had brought some old fears into my new reality. There was the subconscious fear that by liking Mr. Universe I might somehow be settling. Huh?? Isn’t the point of trying to meet people…to actually meet people?? To find someone that there’s a connection with…that you like and want to spend time with??? It’s not like Mr. Universe is the first guy I’ve been out with. There have been lots of first dates…but that’s the point…none progressed on to date #2….until this guy.
Then there’s the fear that a man couldn’t possibly bring forth anything positive to my life…he would only drain it…monopolize my time. Keep me from my friends…distract me.
Oh and let’s not forget the fear (not fact…fear) that he’s probably not into me anyway. He probably just wants sex because what else could he possibly want from me??
Believe it or not, we ended up talking through a fair amount of the aforementioned fears. He got it…didn’t necessarily agree but understood. He had his own perspectives as a result of my behavior that were enlightening. Like, I was worried he was after my money…wow…never in a million years would I have thought that. But that one outrageous thought made me realize how silly this all is. All of it. All of the fear.
When I meet a new friend, I don’t worry about them interrupting my future plans…or monopolizing my time…or having an agenda as to why they want to spend time with me. I trust. I feel my way through the friendship. I stay open because I know if I don’t bring that energy to it, I won’t get it back.
I was making it way too hard and it doesn’t have to be. He said, “I don’t want to be a distraction. I want to complement your life.” Perfection. Precisely what every relationship should be…a complement and not a distraction.
Having had a few days to reflect on the exchange and the process of getting to know Mr. Universe, I think the only thing I’m really afraid of is that I might actually like him.
It’s been years…YEARS…since dating someone that was emotional available…mature…someone who knew what he wanted and went after it. It’s been too long since I allowed myself to trust my instincts with a man. Enough.
It doesn’t have to be this hard, really. If it feels like a complement and not a distraction…it probably is. Enjoy it.