I’m going to be honest, though. I don’t want to go. Being there is going to make this all very real…which I know is an incredibly cowardly thing to say.
She and my step dad are dealing with her cancer on a daily basis and I’m merely getting updates via the phone. But hearing that your mom is sick versus seeing it…being there…in the hospital waiting…that is going to make it all “in your face” real.
I realized it yesterday. When I started to get that yuck feeling that I used to get when I knew I had to fly out on a Monday for work…and didn’t want to.
That old feeling was sitting in the pit of my stomach…festering. I tried to ignore it. To distract myself with friends and fun activities but it stayed there…in the back of mind whispering…gnawing at my stomach.
I probably should have told someone. It might have made me feel better. But voicing my hesitation…I would have had to admit that I’m scared…and that’s not something I want to do. I don’t want to let any negative energy in. I want so badly to keep all my thoughts positive that I’ve been shoving a bunch of emotions down. I know I shouldn’t…it’s something I used to do that I said I wouldn’t do anymore, but it’s the only way I can deal right now. This is unchartered territory for me.
I’ll find a release…after I know she’s ok. Maybe it’ll be on a mountaintop…or in yoga…or just sitting somewhere quiet…but the emotions will find their way out. They always do.
For now, though, all my energy is focused on sending good thoughts and juju to my mom.