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Day 58: Trash day is every Thursday and I need to sit this shit at the curb

Updated: Dec 21, 2021


So, here goes….

I don’t trust myself.  

Correction, I don’t trust myself in one particular aspect of my life. Everywhere else, I’m good.  I got this.  

The issue, I don’t trust myself when it comes to men.  There I said it.  The realization struck me after having coffee with Kilo. I was catching her up on Mr. Universe and she kept saying, “I like him. I like him.  I really like him.”  And all I could think was, “Should I….I do…but should I?”

I’d had a similar conversation with Man of the Year and Princess Grace.  I thought it was because I’ve not really dated anyone like him before.  So I chalked it up to the fact that he’s not the type of guy I’m normally into.  Sounds like a good answer…until Kilo real talked me.  She doesn’t think it’s that at all…because clearly the type of guy I normally go after hasn’t worked out so well…I mean, let’s be real here.

Kilo thinks it’s because he’s a man….who’s available…doesn’t have drama…and appears to like spending time with me.  There’s no hang up or issue to deal with.  Yah, maybe that’s it…

Then it hit me.  It’s not him at all.  It’s me (how many times am I going to write that in this blog?!?).  The issue isn’t what he is or isn’t, it’s that I don’t trust myself.  I don’t trust my judgement.

I thought The Taste was the one.  I trusted him.  Believed he was working on getting his shit together…for years.  I was 100% that girl.  A cliche.  I had formed this perception of him and saw only the potential…because that’s all I wanted to see.  

But now….whoa….I want to grab myself by the shoulders and give myself a good shake for being so gullible…naive…dumb.  The good news is I learned a lot about myself and what I want out of a relationship.  The bad news, the latest side effect that I’ve just uncovered….lack of personal trust.

I don’t want to see potential.  I want to see the person…the real person…for who they are.  All the things I like and don’t like, but might be willing to accept because perfection is in the imperfection.  I want to be present and in the moment…not caught up in some “could be” fantasy.  I want to observe the person in their natural habitat…to see how they treat their friends and loved ones.

I thought I was doing that with The Taste.  I thought I was seeing the real person…all the good and the bad…staying present.  I’m not sure if I ever really knew the real person…mainly because I’m not sure he knows himself.  This isn’t a blog to blast him.  I believe he was doing the best he could and just got caught up in the fantasy without grounding his actions in reality.  It’s hard to fault someone for that given the circumstances.  However, when the result is that I’m left questioning whether I can trust myself….well, frankly that kinda sucks.

So maybe I have to pause every now and then to do a gut check.  Maybe I have to use my friends as a sounding board to make sure I’m not glossing over an issue or 10.  Maybe I have to purposefully check in with myself to make sure I’m present…and aware of what I’m feeling around this guy.

I know I said I needed to not make it so hard…and I’m not trying to make it hard.  I’m actually trying to be honest with myself about the baggage I’m hauling around.  I don’t want to get into something and THEN realize I’ve got old hangups that need to be addressed.  I rather just dig it up now so I can dispose of it early.  Trash day is every Thursday and I need to sit this shit at the curb.

I want to trust myself.  I will trust myself.  I just need to run a few drills…maybe tune a few things up…tap the magic collarbone for some back up…take my head out of the game and get my heart engaged.  

After all…I made a request to the Universe and she delivered.  Who am to question her abilities…guess at a minimum, I should trust her.  So, here we go….


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